I think my daughter is entering puberty. She has chest tenderness and a mopey attitude. I've had a knot in my stomach all day just thinking about it. I'm hoping the sulkiness of the last few days is more fatigue driven than hormonal. I feel very sad for the potential loss of the bright, shining, kind, generous, confident, beautiful, unique, two-socks unmatched, marching-to-her-own-beat, obnoxious, silly, vivacious, and vibrant little girl that is my daughter. She keeps calling herself a "tween" and I keep flinching at the mention of it. I don't want that. As much as I know that this coming change is a part of life and will bring along it's own benefits, is as much as I just do not want it to happen. Can't she just be fabulous for the next 9 years instead of being a teenager? I'm Not Ready!

My friend Rebecca hooked me up with a sweet musical mitzvah today. Her daughter's piano teacher wanted to have a recital and was having trouble finding a space. I hooked them up with a free space with a nice piano and her students were fantastic! Calm, collected, called for help when they needed it, played their piece again when they felt they could do better. It was really wonderful! Fuzzy warm feelings all around and all because Rebecca knew who to ask and put all our heads together. And she made some killer programs, too. Best estimates say there were 70 people there.. Outrageous and wonderful!

Thanks for a really lovely afternoon, Rebecca and Miss Suzanne!!


Oh yeah, and Happy Father's Day!! Thanks to Brett as well for making me available for such a "pay it forward" kind of opportunity. I was really very glad to be able to help out.

Kids are driving me crazy. They have the nerve to keep asking us for things. Things they can't reach. Things they want. Things that require the co-pilot's attention and that delay said co-pilot's planned leisure and napping. I can't imagine what's gotten into them.

 

Our daughter lost a fight with a bump in the pavement today and has the facial, shoulder, elbow, and knuckle scrapes to show for it. Oh, and 2 chipped front teeth. :( We're also concerned that her clavicle may be bruised (at first we feared broken) but she was moving that arm pretty well through 2+ hours of Pokemon Monopoly so we'll see how she is tomorrow. Don't call. We have internet through the cabins but our phones don't work.

We were riding rented bikes back from dinner at a lodge here at lake Itasca in eastern Minnesota. There were a number of bumps on the way there, and plenty of hills and though a flicker of alarm sprang up for me the kids seemed to handle them well. This one sprang up on her in the middle of a fairly steep and long downward slope and surprised her right into a face plant while I was following around the bend. Brett and Isaac were a ways a head with the water (stupid bikes without water bottle cages!). I think she and I must have walked a couple of miles in the path through the woods before they came back and found us. She's such a great kid - all that pain and scariness and not too much later she was chuckling. Someone called it into the park ranger and he gave her a few once overs, even following us back to our cabin to make sure she was ok.

She wouldn't get back on the bike today, not that I think she should or could have with her hand/body as bruised and scraped up as it is. The ranger was shocked when I told him how much I thought we'd walked after the crash and that we'd walked at all. I'm worried about her teeth. I hope desperately that it isn't more serious than chipped teeth. Serious enough on its own, but I certainly wouldn't want her to lose them. She's more worried about a broken clavicle with a ballet performance at the end of June. I think Isaac's just worried in general. He was Mr. Extreme Helper and Skeeter Killer all evening.

I'm so glad it wasn't worse. So was Jane. She even said, "I'm so glad I was wearing a helmet." Assuming the best, we'll probably try to see a dentist in Minneapolis just to get her checked out. It's just never the things you really worry about. There's no protecting them. There's just loving them and picking them up and cleaning them off along the way.

Fabulous evening! Family talent show with music, singing, saxophone, bassoon, laughing, dancing, more singing, more clapping, buckets of laughter, and even more singing. The kids all surprised me tonight! Nephew T played us some mean saxophone and Angus sang along willingly with big sister Fred! Miss Fred not only sang, but danced to some bassoon accompaniment. They both got the whole family singing and closed up the show with a number of great performances, not the least of which was "The Ninjas" by BNL, a valiant attempt at "1234" by Feist thwarted by lyrics, "Potter's Puppet Pals", and best of all, a near perfect performance of the John Williams medley that Brett introduced to them months ago. Our sister-in-law video taped this brilliance and as soon as we can work it out, it'll be hitting YouTube with it's own kind of vengeance.

I smiled and laughed so much my face hurts. We all did! My SIL and I were both snorting with laughter. The stuff dreams are made of and just what I was hoping we'd have some day. My step-family does this sort of talent-show thing, but I've never been comfortable enough with them to really join in. I'm so glad my kids have that level of comfort here.

• Late for both schools - no surprise.
• After having an argument with the husband about the location of my camera.
• Turns out camera was at home in another bag the whole time. Not surprised.
• Go to Criminal School, ie. my daughter's 3-5 elementary school, where they have changed the time of the awards assembly with maybe two days notice. Again, not surprised.
• Hear office staff bitching about parents not knowing what time the assembly is at. NOT Surprised.
• Call out office lady on conflicting posted times and get excuses and pointed fingers. REALLY not surprised.
• Spend a miserable 30 minutes in an assembly at a school I dislike because my daughter wants me there and I owe her for all the times this year that I didn't stay and volunteer.
• Watch other 3rd grade teacher (Not ours!) lead kids in a great song/dance meant to teach them to believe in themselves. SURPRISED!
• Leave repeating, "It'll be different next year. It'll be different next year. It'll be different next year.." and desperately hoping that's true.
• Travel over to son's (and daughter's former) school to sunshine, light and happiness. Smiles. Friends! GREAT teachers! NOT SURPRISED!
• Cry to office staff about hating daughter's current school. Get tissues.
• Complain to shared principal. Apologize for drama. Promise cookies.
• Go home to make cookies. Get sidetracked by internet until crank call from principal asking where her cookies are.

Began horribly. Ended well. So massively glad school is out! We leave on a 2-3 week road trip tomorrow night. Still haven't decided if I should be excited or scared.. it's been a while since we did the trip and the kids are way more obnoxious now. ;)

There may be proof of my awesome recital sometime next year, judging by how much action I'm getting out of my husband on it. =P

Last night's dreams were filled with unrepentant villains. Two separate dreams, one of which featured a friend's child vomiting on me and another featuring a restauranteur's bassoon-murdering offspring. The second one was apparently a serial bassoon-murderer as part of my dream contained a river of sludge in which at least 3 other bassoons had been mangled, swollen, brutalized, and abandoned and into which my freshly assassinated bassoon had been seemingly plunged. The serial killer was about ten years old and had bent, hacked, stomped on, sawed, and shaved the keys off of my precious, which was required for a very big concert the next day. Not only was the child unrepentant, the purveyor of the establishment was surprised that anyone would be sorry to see a bassoon treated thusly and insisted I leave the premises once she had forwarded the necessary $12,050 in repairs that my bassoon was going to require. No amount of screaming, crying anguish dissuaded either one of them and I couldn't figure out why on earth I had left my bassoon out of its case during dinner in the first place. And the kicker was the final realization that the instant estimate hadn't included my bocal.. where was my bocal?? (And why do I keep having these dreams of losing my bocal?!)

The first dream, of the Vomiting Unrepentant Child, wasn't nearly as interesting or emotional. You pretty much have the gist of it in those three words right there. It is only noteworthy in that it was followed by continued unrepentance, more lack of consideration, and the abject horror of watching the thing that makes up so much of what I am be destroyed by a child.

Very foreboding final sentence. I know it was a dream. I tend to think dreams are my subconscious mind talking things out. I came away thinking my mind has some fixation with Unrepentance. I think I can now also add Bocal Anxiety and Fear of Other People's Children. ;)

Awesome. AWesome Awesomely AWESOME recital! I'm awesome. I need a hat that says, "I'm Awesome" and Brett and the kids need shirts with big arrows that point at me saying, "I'm with Awesome". Or hats. Hats would do. With Awesome-netic (instead of of MAGnetic) arrows that always point at me.

Wheeee!! I'm obviously still high on endorphins from the concert. I think I need some bedtime tea to calm me down.

G'night!! Thanks and love a billion to everyone who helped me get through this!!! Most of all to my family for being unbelievably accomodating. I have the most amazing kids/ushers/recital helpers in the whole entire universe and the best support network of friends and family anyone could ever dream up.
Blessings of happy shiny loving karma to all of you!

Text sent to Twitter:
"Freak freak freak freak freak freak freak freak out!!"

Text sent back from Twitter:
"Service is temporarily down. Please, try again later."

...and it isn't even 11am!! My teacher totally flaked on me and my last pre-recital lesson today. Can you feel the (situational) hate?

My morning class (different teacher) SUCKS ASS!! It takes him over a week to get our assignments back to us, at which point it is too late for that assignment to inform the next. AND, he asks for form diagrams and then on the day that they are to be turned in, he gives us a bunch of the diagram before we turn it in! This would have been helpful WHEN YOU ASSIGNED THE DIAGRAM!! Not as I'm about to turn it in. It influences every answer we give and if he's going to share that information, do it before we do the assignment or after we get it back. You aren't helping me by doing it now!!! Hate hate hate! AND THEN, he gave us melodic dictation that my 9 year old could have done. And then did period analysis on it!! Seriously? Maybe you were trying to make a point of how easy it is if we don't freak out but COME ON!!!!

And I still have stupid program notes to write, I'm going to have to pay my accompanist a fortune this week, I still don't know what to give my trio mates for helping on the recital and apparently, I'm grinding my teeth in my sleep again. The headache I had two years ago while I was doing personnel management for the orchestra, that had me thinking maybe I had a brain tumor is back! My job just told us that not only are we required to attend the summer workshop, we now have to PAY for it when we've always been PAID TO GO. And Brett and I had a fight this weekend that still isn't resolved and I'm probably starting my period tomorrow which is just FABULOUS!!!! I hate my clothes. I hate my body. And if I got out my bassoon right now, I would probably hate it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to go back to bed and just cry. This day is just abysmal. Calling it "The Suck" doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about it right now.


----------------------
1am Edit: In the interest of justice, I got the time wrong on my lesson, not my professor. Everything else still sucked. I got a nap, some smiley kid time, some food, and some good practice in. Good peeps sent me good vibes and twitter dissed me (which made me laugh) so I'm doing better. Thanks!!

As if any of you needed more proof of my future destiny as a crotchety, loud, obnoxious old woman. I yelled at a guy on a scooter today: three times. He was SLOOOW. SO slow, I felt unsafe following him and we were clearly going the same direction so I honked. He yells something I don't understand so I yell, "The speed limit is 35!". He  yells something. I wait until I can't take it any longer and there are no oncoming cars to pass him in the turn lane.

Yes, dear reader. I know that's bad. I was one of those people today. But his seeming inability to reach 30mph, let alone 35mph along with his erratic drifting within the lane and inconstant speed scared the (zom)bie-jeezus out of me.

A mile later, in a residential area as I'm pulling out of a parking lot he passes by going the other direction. He notices me and after I shrug, he yells what I can only assume must have been justification for his lame Scooter-Wrangling-No-Helmet-Wearing-Poopyheadedness..  "THIRTY-FIVE!!", I yell. "THIRTY-FIVE!!!!".

I heard today that there's a kid in my daughter's class who a) has a mother that is dying from cancer, and b) is homeless. I don't know which kid, whether it's a boy or girl (though I suspect a girl) or whether there's other family to help out. I'm guessing not much family since they're homeless.. or at least not much family that's able to help. Too, too, too much sad for one little person. :(

On my birthday (2/27), Steven Page had an interview on Canadian QTV spilling the not-so-terribly interesting beans of an amicable break-up with the rest of the Barenaked Ladies. I found out about it yesterday and was shocked and deeply saddened by it. That band has been made great by the collaboration of those wonderful men. It is what it is because of ALL of them and to lose Page is like losing an appendage - sure, you can survive but you will always miss it and your life IS forever altered by its absence.

Today, fabulous Earl has turned over the bootleg of BNL's 4 Man Band performance on March 7th. I am reminding myself that very often I have needed a few listens to enjoy their new albums and have very quickly come to love the new. But this prognosis is dim. Kevin Hearn darling, I love you and I enjoy your songs, but Page songs are meant for a strong voice with a wide range. Same for Jim Creeggan, whose voice is heartbreakingly lovely in his own songs and in The Brothers Creeggan songs.. no comparison. But Jim, your voice doesn't have Steven's range. Honestly, I see a new page turning for this band but not if they try to supplant Steven's voice with any other. It would require a drastic revisitation on all of those songs in order for them to be performed well by anyone else. Sadly enough, they are vehicles for his voice and will do no other voice in the band justice in their current arrangement.

I'm sad. I want to wear black for them and be total emo depressed BNL fan. Their sound will be forever changed and who knows, it could be a good move. I just don't think I'll be able to stand hearing them sing those songs without Steven's luscious voice soaring out over them.

I just found out I'm likely not getting the room I wanted for my (informal) recital next month. The room they reserved for me instead had a terrible piano, last I heard, and the room itself doesn't sound nearly as vibrant. It's going to suck and I'm having a really hard time not crying and throwing a fit.

Clearly, I am exhausted and highly emo. It's time to Step Away From The Computer.

What a truly wonderful day! More happy birthday messages and notes than I care to count, lunch with awesome folk, raspberry ale, productive practicing (obviously before the ale), dinner at home, and out to a movie with the family! Excellent!

To anyone who had a part in this day, no matter how brief or deceptively small, I thank you! It was a truly lovely and blessed day and had I to repeat it, I think I would probably do it just the same. I even liked the clothes I was wearing! And my hair cooperated.. all day!


Birthday booty: Fabulous 3D glasses from "Coraline", new earrings from the hubby, flowers and homemade dinner from the mother, delicious truffles that I selfishly and conveniently forgot to share, yummy smelly bath stuff, LUNAfest ticket, not one not two but THREE contrabassoon reeds!, beers, not having to put my kids to bed, no yelling (thank you, family!), and best of all handmade presents from my kids!

Thanks to everyone for the kind thoughts. Jane has been kept busy since we put Twoie to sleep, first with a movie (and sleeping with Nana) and then with a sleep over last night. The crash is coming now that the friends have gone home and there's nothing more to do than sit around and think about who's missing. :( Add some major sleepover fatigue to the mix and I think we have a recipe for disaster. Tonight is going to be just horrible if we don't get them to bed early.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I had hoped to just stay in with the family watching movies and being waited on, but now I'm afraid that is going to be a tremendous mistake. I'm trying to practice but they won't leave the room. I can feel the boredom pouring off them and it is REALLY distracting.

Our girl Twoie was put to sleep this evening. She had been having haemorrhagic strokes the last few days from which she would recover after a few minutes. Today, while my mother and daughter were home, she had a particularly nasty stroke that lasted longer, was more painful, and from which she didn't return to normal for about 2 hours. We all came home to spend some last moments with her and say goodbye and Brett took her to the clinic around 7. She was his first cat, perhaps first pet, and we figure she had at least 14 years of adventures leading up to this.Enough wonderful things cannot be said about her. Perhaps the best way to sum up what a wonderful experience it was to have her in our lives is to say, "Thank you" for continuing to call us home despite what must have been many other offers in her travels as an indoor/outdoor cat. Almost every night she spent indoors, she spent sleeping with our daughter. I am so very thankful that she came home and spent her last days here. It would have been agonizing to not know what had happened to her had she passed on away from the house. I feel it gave us the time we needed to realize the choice ahead of us.



http://picasaweb.google.com/kasiandra/Pets#

We finally had a birthday party for Angus yesterday, and it was a blast! (Thanks to everyone that made it out on such short notice!) We had a lucky find at the dollar store and bought these long water-blasters cleverly disguised as pseudo-lightsabers. The disguise prevailed until the brilliant Parrish took one look at it and started squirting water up in the air. He managed to get himself trapped in the bathroom with at least 10 kids surrounding, waiting (loudly) for the door to open. The parents had a great laugh from a dry distance away and despite a few minor offenses (that I know of) most of the kids left the party smiling, all of the cake was eaten, and the pinata stayed intact until the last basher. Very fortunate, since I didn't realize until after we had started that the last one in line had never hit a pinata before and I was afraid she wasn't going to get the chance. Excellent afternoon, especially at 80 degrees in February!

But now, I am horribly far behind on everything. It is my week to lead our lesson (which we start tomorrow!) and I haven't yet planned it. I have two chapters of homework for my music theory class and a mountain of practicing for 2 recitals, a masterclass with a visiting professor, and an orchestra concert all within the next two to three weeks. I also have a ton of preparation needed for my own recital in less than two months. None of it can skate and the practicing isn't something I can cram on - it takes HOURS, and I'm the only one that can do it. The last two weeks of sick me-and-them and extra-curriculars has really set me back.

In a more nostalgic mode, for which I never seem to allow myself time, I will say that I still cannot believe that I am mother to a nine year old and a seven year old. So often when I'm out with one or the other of them, I feel more like an aunt than the mom. I don't feel old enough to have kids this old. I still feel like the kid in the room most of the time. I have a very dear and lovely and beautiful friend who is 14 years older than I and 14 years younger than my also very dear and wonderful mother. I thought the symmetry was intriguing so kept note of it. Otherwise, I would have no idea how old she is and last night, I very kindly and sincerely erased 6 years for all three of us by mistaking myself for a 28 year old. :>

"And you won't mind the wrinkles, 'cause you'll know how they got there.." - In Love But Not At Peace, Dar Williams